"... But there's some strange thing where you think having a full diary is the same as having a full life, which, of course, it isn't..." India Knight (Sunday times Magazine - 23 June 2019)
In this era of social networks and polarization of ideas, isn't it more important than ever, at a personal level and at a community/social level?
During a training I attended, a wise teacher told us a true story that I would like to share with you as best I can...
A friend of his, let’s call him Sam, was the leader of a software developer team. Their project was going nowhere. Time was flying by but there were no results. They were stuck. When the Big Boss, who was in another city, called and said he was going to come around in a few weeks to see how things were going, Sam knew he had to do something. So he took a day off to think ... The next day, he spoke to his team:
“If we can’t find a solution, we will get fired, and they will hire new people for the project. So let’s think like new people.”
If you have a problem with someone or something and can’t find a solution, stop doing things the way you do them, stop using the same words or communication strategies, hoping that by some miracle they will suddenly start working.
Instead, take a step back and try to see things from another point of view, with new eyes. From there, you are more than likely to find a solution that was there in the first place, from there you might just find the way to communicate in a way that will work.
with Mel's help
In French, there is an expression that says:
Il faut tourner sa langue sept fois dans sa bouche avant de parler,
which literally translates into: Turn your tongue seven times in your mouth before talking,
the idea being that while you’re turning your tongue in your mouth, you unavoidably have time to think about what you are going to say, and at the end of the exercise, what you say might very well be different or better thought-out than what you intended in the first place.
Based on that, here is the tip:
When you are about to burst, take a nice deep breath in and count to ten while breathing out. Or seven. Actually, counting to three might be all you need.
This ten second respite will allow you to notice what is really happening in yourself and what you are really reacting to in the moment. It will allow you to change positively the impact of what you are about to say/do in this moment of anger.
During these ten seconds:
You might realize that you are about to let out your anger on the wrong person/situation:
-it may be that you are feeling overwhelmed, tired, stressed, lacking support, time, patience, money... thus a bit too sensitive in this very moment to deal with anything. You’ve had enough. If so, it’s a clear sign that you need some ME time (to relax, to take care of yourself, to reflect on what is happening in your life, to get help...), be it for a few minutes, a few hours, or a few days...
In the meantime, breathe in, take control of your emotions and adjust your reaction positively or get out of the situation momentarily.
-it may be that you are angry at something that is not related to the situation in front of you but this anger needs to come out, somehow, one way or another. Indeed, there are very few safe escape routes for anger in our modern world, if any. It might not be safe to express your anger/stress say, to your boss, employees, colleagues, customers, friends ... so it usually comes out somewhere else in your life and might hurt the people you love the most. If this is the case, it is primordial that you find a way to let the steam off: dance, box, jog, meditate, write down your thoughts, ... You need to find your own way to unwind physically and emotionally, any way you see fit.
Again, in the meantime, breathe in, take control of your emotions and adjust your reaction positively or, get out of the situation momentarily.
You might actually realize that your anger is appropriate and justified.
If it is, what should you do then?
You could try to see the situation from outside of your body, as if you were a camera in one of the top corner of the room observing the scene as it is happening. From there, you will see the whole situation from a different point of view, a detached one. From there, you will be able to see yourself react and will be more able to choose how you want to do so.
You could start by taking another deep breath in and think of the result that you want...
Will you bursting out make the situation better or worse?
What is the other person telling you – in words or actions?
What is it that you really want to express?
How can you express it more positively?
If you manage to do so, how will that impact the situation?
How will you feel?
By taking a step back from your anger, if only for a few seconds, you will be more able to see the situation as it really is and react in a way which will open up to better results for all.
Try and let me know how it goes...
Remember: you don’t have to be perfect all the time, it’s ok. Nobody is.
What are your tips to help deal with burst of anger?
If you need help to deal with anger, contact me.
with Mel's help
Hi! I'm Mel! I am a life coach, not a writer, but I have been writing some articles which you might like... see under Categories below "articles" and "experiments".